How To Fix The Oscars

And Why Going Hostless isn’t One of the ways

As I said, the Oscar hosts in recent years haven’t done much to liven up the proceedings. Indeed, I can only think of three in recent memory who have made the show entertaining: Billy Crystal, Steve Martin and Hugh Jackman. Crystal has always had the gift of making the clichéd entertaining with his remarkable ability to improvise. Martin has the dry, self-deprecating wit, and as a bonus, when he hosted the show, it usually finished earlier than most of them. And Jackman’s gifts as a song and dance played remarkably well the only he time he did it, and I really wish he’d chosen to return.

I won’t repeat the problems most of the emcees have had over the past decade, but I will make an observation. Other ‘lesser’ award shows have often gone hostless. From 1997 to 2009, the Golden Globes never had a host, and it always managed to be entertaining and often surprising. I don’t know why they felt the need to hire Ricky Gervais in 2010, as his sole gift of awkward laughter doesn’t fit the need for self-congratulation most award shows require.

And the SAG Awards didn’t bother to have a host for the first two decades of their existence. Now granted, the audience is much smaller and it airs on basic cable, but its always moved efficiently, with charming presenters, and amusing speeches.

So considering all the problems the Academy has had in recent years in finding an entertaining host at all, why haven’t they tried to cut the Gordian Knot and have no host? Six words. Allan Carr, Rob Lowe, and Snow White.

In 1989, Allan Carr, one of the most successful producers took on the job of handling the Academy Awards. Now, the Oscars have had their share of horrible opening numbers over the years, but none of have ever gone down in infamy with Snow White showing up on stage being told to “Follow the Hollywood Stars”. (Why a Disney trademark was being asked to say Dorothy’s most famous lines is a question that really should’ve occurred to Carr before hand. She then began an elaborate song and dance number that really had too many atrocities to count, but the most notorious was when she went into the audience and got Rob Lowe onstage to dance with her. You wouldn’t think a show could go any further downhill from there. You’d be wrong. Maybe the reason the show had no host was because no wanted to go anywhere near this train wreck.

It took Lowe nearly a decade for his career to recover. Carr’s never did. On his obituary in Variety, the headline dealt with how he created the absolute nadir for Academy Awards. Thank God Billy Crystal came along the next year, or the Oscars might’ve died right then.

So, it’s understandable why fans view this host-less Oscars with trepidation. I certainly do. But what could the Oscars to solve its problems that have plagued it for at least twenty years? I have no suggestions about the host. As for other things:

Get rid of the montages.

I can not emphasize this strongly enough. Through all the Debbie Allen dance numbers and ridiculous songs, I find the majority of the montages that I have sat through on the Oscars pointless and find that they add nothing. Put one montage at the beginning honoring all the films that were nominated and keep the ‘IN MEMORIAM’. People already complain that this is the most self-congratulatory night on the air. Spending three minutes building up to a half-hearted applause sequences about the importance of ‘film as universal language’ doesn’t really help your case.

Let the technical winners speak as long as they want.

I don’t expect editors and visual effects people to say anything groundbreaking, but considering this is literally the only night where they get any recognition, I think they’re justified in speaking for a couple of minutes. How to we find the time?

Cut down the remarks leading up to the awards.

Actors are a lot more knowlegable then most people give them credit for being, but how much do Brad and Angelina really know about sound mixing? These moments usually leave them looking foolish, which most people will tell you isn’t that hard. On the other hand…

Bring back Lifetime Achievement Awards.

I realize that this will defeat the purpose of shortening the show, but a lot of these actors, writers and directors have labored in the field for decades getting next to know recognition. I think we can afford to have one per Oscars. Forget the Irving Thalberg and Jean Hersholt Awards — not even the people who get them even know who they were. I would’ve like to have heard James Earl Jones or Steve Martin give a speech at the Oscars. And be honest: so would you.

Whoever the host is, let them have some connection to film

However gifted Jon Stewart and Jimmy Kimmel are on Late Night, and Neil Patrick Harris is on stage, they clearly don’t have the gifts to present at the Oscars. I realize that this methodology led to James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosting (which almost made me yearn for Snow White) but we somebody who can speak about film with sincerity and admiration without sarcasm. Maybe Anna Kendrick? She’s funny, she’s self-effacing, and she can sing too. All things I admire.

Well, these are just my suggestions. They may not be as inspired as letting Seth McFarlane lead a chorus of ‘We Saw Your Boobs’, but I suggest it just the same. For next year, anyway.